


The Birds and the Bumbling

by SeaofSin



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Condoms, Crack, Crack Fic, F/M, Humor, Pietro is a terrible student, Sex Education, Sexual Humor, Twincest, really dumb humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-22
Updated: 2015-09-22
Packaged: 2018-04-22 19:57:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,241
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4848455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SeaofSin/pseuds/SeaofSin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Tony thinks the twins, having been orphaned at ten, never had ‘the talk’, and Pietro makes a joke, pretending to not know anything, so Tony and the rest of the Avengers are trying to throw together some haphazard sex education class for two adults who clearly know better (but are pretending not to because they find it hilarious).</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Birds and the Bumbling

The Maximoff Twins had learned that the only thing you could expect from the Avengers, was that you should never expect normality. Not that they were ones to complain about this, considering they contributed to the strange dynamic of the group. Still, despite the fact that they had come to accept the knowledge that nothing was normal, they still found themselves surprised in various situations. One such situation had come when they were members for about a year, from now on-off member and the man that neither quite trusted: Tony Stark.

"Hey, Lannisters, I've been thinking. You know how you said a while back that you two were alone by ten? I was wondering, did you two ever receive 'the talk' from your parents? It's been bugging me a little, so I need to know," Tony had asked them one day during lunch, making air quotes as he said the word "talk".

Wanda began to cough, choking a bit on her water, and Pietro dropped the fork in his hand, the two of them exchanging shocked looks. Neither was quite sure how to give a dignified response to that question, nor were they certain they really wanted to explain themselves to him.

For a moment, Pietro was baffled, his mind wracking itself until a rather terrible, yet hilarious (to Pietro, anyhow) idea popped into his mind, a sly grin coming over his face. "Oh sure, our parents used to tell us about strangers," he replied smoothly. Wanda shot him a flabbergasted look, not certain where Pietro was going with this. He simply nudged her, telling her to go along with it.

"No, not what I meant. I was talking more along the lines of the birds and the bees," Tony said, placing his fork against the table and clasping his fingers in front of him, his thumbs coming to rest against his lips. Pietro couldn't help but inwardly chuckle, Tony always seemed to have a fascination with the sex lives of the other heroes.

"Oh we've heard about the bees, they can be dangerous too. Especially hornets," Wanda replied, seemingly understanding now what Pietro was going for. She shared a small smile with him, a quick flash of her teeth telling him she was in on the game.

"Ugh, okay, is this a lost in translation issue, or is it you two don't know about sex? Do Eastern Europeans even use the term 'the birds and the bees'?" Tony asked, rubbing his beard with his thumb and index finger, looking perplexed.

"Oh, sex? You mean like the parts you have?" Pietro said, fighting to keep a straight face. He couldn't help it, Tony was sometimes too easy a target to poke fun at. Beside him he could see Wanda hiding her smirk behind her fingers, pretending to instead look disinterested.

"Kinda? I mean, that's part of it. You know, I might need to take back that 'Lannisters' joke. Uh, anyways, you don't know about sex?" Tony was just so confused, and the twins couldn't help but share a small smile with each other, knowing that the other was laughing hysterically on the inside.

Wanda's vivid green eyes were dancing with laughter, her voice lightly tinged with mirth as she replied "I thought my brother told you-"

"Stop, okay, clearly there's a few gaps in your knowledge," Tony cut her off, rubbing his temples. "Well, that's something you can't go without knowing."

Without another word, Tony stood up, lifting his head towards the ceiling. "F.R.I.D.A.Y., I need you to assemble the Avengers, we've got a sex education class to teach."

Pietro couldn't help but find the entire situation absurd. How could Tony really buy the idea that two adults didn't know what sex was in this modern era? The Internet could have easily told them anything they wanted to know and more if their knowledge was insufficient, and yet he insisted on dragging the Avengers together with the purpose of having them teach sex education. It was honestly so surreal that he couldn't help but laugh whenever he thought about it, and Wanda seemed to share his sentiments.

"Can you believe Stark fell for that? Who knew we could be quite the thespians?" he chuckled when they had cuddled up in bed that night, wrapping his arms loosely around her.

"I'm not quite sure what surprises me more: that, or the fact that he decided to organize a sex education class for us," Wanda laughed, and pressed a kiss to his chin. "What possessed you to do that? What made you decide to pretend to be unaware?"

"I just wanted to mess with Stark is all. Probably wouldn't have done the same for any of the others... Well, most of them anyhow," he said before kissing her hair. "Still, I'm in shock that he took the bait. Does he really think that we don't know about sex?"

"Oh yes, we know about sex, brother dearest," she purred, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Love you, Pietro. Rest up, we've got a lot of 'learning' tomorrow."

Giggles erupted from their lips, and they kissed each other lightly, feeling the other's smile on their lips.

"Good night, Wanda. Love you, so much," he whispered, grinning faintly in the night as he buried himself under the sheets, chuckling himself to sleep.

The next day proved to show that most of the Avengers were not idiots, and immediately dismissed the very idea that the Maximoffs knew nothing about sex, and refused to participate in Tony's patchwork class, with Natasha even going so far as to say she couldn't believe that the twins didn't know about sex, because she was certain they were already doing so. This was not said to Tony, but rather to Barton as they passed by, and Pietro couldn't help but wonder if she hadn't said anything for the sake of a joke as well. Though her assumptions certainly weren't wrong, Pietro noted to himself. In the end, the only person Tony could somehow wrangle into this project was himself.

The first thing that happened was Tony immediately ushered them into an empty laboratory. Promptly, Tony dropped a plastic bag on his desk, and pointed towards the two empty tables in the room, a silent request to seat themselves, which they obeyed, observing Tony shuffle about the area as he set the classroom, pulling a large blackboard covered with old formulas and erasing it before writing in big, bold letters the words 'sex education for two adults'. Pietro shot Wanda a secretive, bemused smile as he looked at the board. An amused huff came from his right, and Wanda returned his smile, clearly finding this just as humorous as Pietro was. Pietro simply smirked, leaning back on his hands as he kicked his feet up on the table. There was literally nothing Stark could say about sex that he hadn't somehow found out on his own.

Once Tony was pleased with his writing on the board, he immediately flipped to face them, a smile on his face as he rubbed his hands together, cleansing himself of the chalk on his hands. "Okay, first things first, don't have sex, because you will get pregnant and die."

Evidently Pietro was wrong, his eyes widening with shock at that statement. People would die? That was definitely something he hasn't heard before.

Wanda was equally perplexed, brows quirked as she sent glances that flitted between Tony and Pietro. Clearly, she hadn't heard about this possibility either.

Tony looked as though he was deeply regretting his comment. "Ugh, forget it. It was a reference, shouldn't have expected you to get it. Anyways, there's some truth to it. Don't have sex, unless you're protected, because you can get pregnant... Well, unless that's your goal. So, let's get started with the basics: safety first! You two know what a condom is?" Tony asked, digging through the plastic bag on his desk.

"No," Wanda promptly replied, a sly, knowing grin on her face as she gave a quick wink to Pietro.

Tony was stunned, dropping the bag as he turned to examine them. "... Well, this certainly took a turn for the worse. Please tell me you at least know what a penis is," he asked, deadly serious.

Neither of the twins were expecting that particular string of words to come up, even in a sex education class, and neither could contain the sudden fit of laughter they felt bubbling in their chests, the room filled with the loud noises of their joy.

"Of course we know what that is! Who doesn't?" Pietro managed to choke out, incredibly amused. Wanda was rendered completely inarticulate with little, hiccuping laughs streaming endlessly from her smiling lips, tears of joy pricking the corners of her eyes.

Tony, on the other hand, was less than amused. His lips pressed into a thin line as he let the twins have their fit of laughter, rolling his eyes. "Okay, yes, very funny. Considering how clueless you two were yesterday, I say that was a fair question," he muttered sarcastically. "Okay, so anyways... We were... Condoms, right. So, this is probably the second most important thing about sex- aside from its purpose- protection. Condoms are some of the most popular, because they're easy to use, and very effective when properly used. So it's important you learn how to use them," he said, searching noisily through his bag. "Oh wait, shit. We don't have a model..."

Without another word, Tony walked up towards the open door, poking is head out. "Dildos? Bananas? Anyone got one on standby?" Tony screamed out the door shamelessly, cupping his hands around his mouth to amplify the sound so all in the immediate area could hear.

Clint was the one to answer, his voice a distant echo. "No! Stop asking!" The indignant tone to his voice, as well as the fact that Clint was implying this has happened before, could only make Pietro wonder what the hell he had signed up for when he joined the Avengers. Then again, Tony Stark screaming out the door for a dildo was somehow not the strangest thing Pietro has seen since joining the Avengers.

"I need one! We've got two kids whose lives depend upon it! Otherwise they will get pregnant and die!" Tony replied, a wide grin on his face and a tone of almost laughter in his voice.

Apparently, Clint was having none of Tony's nonsense today. "Dude, chill with the drama. No one is dying," he called back, poking his head in the door for a brief moment to glare at Tony before retreating, mumbling something about 'stupid team nonsense' and wondering why he even came back.

"Oh, come on! Are you telling me no one has seen Mean Girls?" Tony asked, throwing his hands in the air with extreme displeasure.

Wanda and Pietro were simply baffled. "What?" she asked, cocking her head to the side and quirking a brow.

Tony gave a brief sigh before turning to point at the two of them. "Next movie night, I swear, I'm sitting all of your asses down and forcing you to watch it," he said before turning to his chalkboard, evidently returning his focus to the lesson. "Sorry, kiddos, lemme run off to the kitchen real quick, guess no one decided to pack their sex toys today."

For a moment, there was silence as Tony looked over Wanda and Pietro before he moved himself towards the door, and began bellowing at the top of his lungs towards the open laboratory across the hall "Bruce? Can you come teach these kids about reproduction or something while I'm gone?"

"I'm already a bit preoccupied-" came Bruce's reply, a vague tone of annoyance evident in his voice, which was quickly cut off by Tony.

"Thanks for being a pal, be right back," Tony shouted, darting out of the room and towards the elevator to search the kitchen to search for something vaguely phallic shaped.

A long, loud sigh of defeat came from Bruce as he shuffled into the lab, clearly he was disgruntled by his being wrangled into this mess. Pietro honestly couldn't blame him, but was not about to tell Bruce about their little joke. After all, Bruce could possibly have something interesting to say.

Never has he been more wrong. Bruce immediately skipped any questions and dove right into what he deemed basic reproduction know how. With a deft hand, he began to scribble over the board, drawing rudimentary sketches of an undivided gamete, adding a little tail to differentiate between the two. "Okay... So I guess we start simple. You start off with gametogenesis in the testes or ovaries, spermatogenesis in the former, oogenesis in the latter. It begins with a single diploid cell that..." he began, further adding to his drawings by showing the splitting, pointing to the one that Pietro had to suppose was the egg.

"When did this become an actual lecture?" Pietro whispered to Wanda, no longer paying attention to Banner's ramblings. Besides, his back was turned towards the two, so evidently he wasn't worried about their participation.

"When Doctor Banner was given the reigns. I guess we can't fault him, he actually knows what he's talking about," Wanda replied, a wry smile on her lips.

After a while, Pietro could swear he felt his body tense with absolute boredom. Doctor Banner clearly was very into his work, and was willing to go into far too much detail. Well, Pietro certainly couldn't walk out of this saying he didn't learn anything about sex; now he knew too much, and he was pretty sure he was put off sex for at least two days with all of this talk. How could someone make sex seem so boring? He's never thought it before, but he really wanted Stark back.

His wish was granted a moment later, with Tony entering the room with an entire bunch of bananas in his arms. Just how many condoms was he intending to have them practice with? Pietro couldn't help but smirk at the thought. "Miss me? Thanks Brucie, I can take it from here, I've found the bananas and- holy shit!" There was a slight pause as Tony let the bananas tumble to the floor, staring at the blackboard in disbelief. "Bruce, when I said reproduction, I meant like... You know... 'This goes there' sort of stuff, not physiology!"

For the first time since he entered this room, Bruce turned around, eyes narrowed and lips somewhat pursed with shock. "Wait, you- you can't be serious," he stammered, casting a quick glance over to the twins before staring at Tony, eyes widening. "Uh, Tony, follow me. We need to talk."

Once they thought they were out of ear shot they spoke, Bruce's incredulous voice drifting in from the hall. "They don't know about _that_?"

Pietro immediately couldn't help but laugh, turning to grin at Wanda, who was returning the gesture, laughing behind her hands and grinning wider than he's ever seen. This was all so worth it, he decided, just to see Wanda laugh and smile like this.

"No! I mean, when I said 'sex education' I really meant 'sex education'," Tony said, a soft sigh following. Pietro could just picture the way he was rubbing his forehead in frustration and Bruce's absolute look of confusion. "Well, now that you're here, might as well help me finish this up."

"I'm not trained for that sort of stuff! I mean, I could, but I just don't feel comfortable teaching it," Bruce sighed.

"Come on, Bruce, I need you. They were actually quiet with you, for one thing."

"I'm pretty sure that was because they didn't have a single clue as to what I was saying, if what you're telling me is true. Tony, this isn't a good idea..."

"Well, then what do you suggest we do? We could just put some porn on, call it a day," Tony suggested, chuckling at his own joke.

"Porn isn't very realistic, you know that," Bruce replied. Pietro swore he could almost hear the sheer amount of frustration the man was experiencing from each syllable.

"Bruce, Bruce, learn to take a joke."

"Sex ed isn't a joke, Tony. We could potentially warp their expectations about sex if we do it wrong."

"Yeesh, why is everyone so dramatic today? It's just sex! No big deal."

"Ugh, with that attitude, I suppose I really don't have much of a choice here. I suppose I'm stuck teaching sex ed," Bruce sighed. "This is not what my degree was even meant to cover."

The sounds of what seemed to be a pat on the back followed. "If you could practice medicine in Calcutta and survive being chased down by the American military before that, I'm sure you can survive a day of talking about dicks with two kids."

Despite Bruce's best efforts, the class was nowhere near calm. Tony had attempted to show the two of them how to use condoms, and, to his great dismay, found that the twins were a bit more than creative when it came to their use. Pietro, being the ass that he was, promptly decided to stick the contraceptive on the stem end of the bananas, purposely pushing them down a bit too roughly, leaving huge tears in the condoms.

"So how are they supposed to work again? By preventing-?"

"Not a damn word. If you use them right, and not just jam them on like some damned animal, then they work just fine. You're not supposed to be making holes," Tony grumbled, collecting the third torn condom this session and tossing it into the trash. "Why don't you let Wanda try? I'm sure she could learn this." Tony pulled a condom from the package, offering it to her from between two fingers and sending frustrated looks to Pietro, pointing at him with his free hand. "I swear, if it is the last thing I do, I will make sure you know how to use a condom."

"You mean like this?" Wanda said, smirking and rolling the condom down on the banana, fingers twitching and lightly red tinted. Without warning, said banana burst, leaving pieces of the fruit on the table.

Tony flinched at the sight, one hand lightly coming to cover his crotch. "Uh, yeah. Just don't do the wiggly woos while putting the condom on, and everything should be good..." he squeaked uncomfortably. His free hand came to pat Pietro on the shoulder as he leaned in to whisper "Good luck to you, man. Might I suggest you learn how to do that yourself, so that doesn't happen to you?"

After the condom fiasco, Bruce wiped the board clean, attempting to explain in the most basic terms possible how to preform the act of sex. Unfortunately for the man, he wasn't quite as eloquent as he would have hoped.

"So... Uh..." he began, flipping through a small handbook he had run off to get. "If the act is happening between a man and a woman... Um... A certain portion of the male's anatomy-"

"They know what a penis is!" Tony interjected, a cheeky grin on his face.

"Thank you, Tony," Bruce sighed, burying his face in his hands. "Anyways... Uh... That swells up with blood," Bruce said. Pietro could see him fighting the urge to either flee or begin explaining the complicated physiological processes behind it instead. Probably both. "And it causes the..." A long sighed followed, along with Bruce muttering about how he never believed he would be using this word in any sort of context like this.

"Penis!" Tony chimed in, enjoying Bruce's embarrassment as much as the twins were.

"Yes, that. It becomes stiff, and-"

"Can you break a penis?" Pietro interjected, deciding he might as well go for broke and ask the most embarrassing questions possible.

Neither Bruce nor Tony was expecting that question, their faces immediately ranging from amused to downright terrified. Wanda had to bury her face in her arms, her shoulders shaking with the effort not to laugh wildly and reveal their ploy.

"Uh... Could you repeat that?" Bruce asked after a long moment as he removed his glasses, cleaning them with the end of his shirt.

"Can you break a penis? Like, when it gets hard? Can you snap it in half?" Pietro asked again, pretending to be dead serious.

Bruce didn't even dignify the question with a response, and simply walked out of the classroom with his face buried in his hands, his shoulders shaking.

He never seemed to recover from that question, even with some convincing from Tony, who came back into the classroom alone.

It was at this point Pietro was growing anxious, no longer wanting to sit still, no matter how much fun he's been having. Perhaps the fact that Bruce had bailed put him on edge, and the game was now one part less fun. Seeing doctor Banner, usually so calm and collected, stumble over his thoughts was certainly the highlight of this adventure for Pietro, and now it would descend into little more than complete chaos. Once again, Tony began to attempt to explain the act, and scribbled stick figures on the board to illustrate various positions Pietro has never even heard of.

Their savior came in with a clack of heels and a sour expression on her face. "You're being booted."

"What?! Pep, I organized this class! I'm teaching it!" Tony said, completely taken aback as Pepper stormed into the lab, clipboard in hand, and began to physically push him away from the blackboard.

"Well, you're teaching it wrong. I'm putting someone else in charge," Pepper sighed, swatting at him with her clipboard.

"Too late, everyone else either said no, or did worse," Tony said, crossing his arms over his chest.

Pepper gave a long sigh of dismay before gathering his plastic bag of supplies and shoving it in his hands, continuing on her quest to remove Tony from the lab. "Then I'm in charge. Get out."

"Why are you even here? Did Bruce put you up to this?" Tony protested as he was being pushed out of the room, the door being shut behind him with a loud 'slam', followed by the delicate click of Pepper's heels across the tile as she came to stand in front of the accursed chalkboard.

Pepper turned towards the twins, glancing at them for a moment before she began swiping at the mess of a chalkboard, effectively clearing it of everything that Tony had written. Her eyes were fierce, determined, as she turned to face them. Miss Potts was always a determined woman in everything she did, and clearly it would be no different here. "Everything he taught you? Forget it. Even if it was right, forget it. We are starting from the beginning and we are doing this right. Okay, first and most important thing, what is the purpose of-"

Pietro sighed, clearly the game was over. Pepper was a no-nonsense individual, and they wouldn't be getting anything humorous out of her. "We actually already know about sex. We've been having sex since we were eighteen."

Pepper whirled around at that, eyes wide. "What? Why would you tell Tony-?"

"Because he assumed we were too stupid to somehow figure it out on our own, so we made a joke and ran with it," Wanda explained, a half smile on her lips as she pushed herself to her feet.

Pepper said nothing, instead pursing her lips as though she were attempting to process this confession. Pietro was partially frightened by the silence that lingered between the three of them, at least until a loud, raucous laugh came from Pepper.

"Oh my God, you're kidding, right? I knew it!" she laughed, covering her mouth with her hands as she continued her fit of giggles.

Later that night, Pepper announced their game in a fit of laughter. From the corner of his eye, Pietro could have sworn he saw Sam slip Natasha a few bills under the table. Apparently, Natasha had created a betting pool on this.

"Oh, you have got to be kidding me! Why would you put me up to this?" Tony screeched, jabbing his fork accusatorially towards the two of them. "You mean that you two did this just so you could fuck with me and Bruce?" Bruce was too mortified to even speak, and instead continued to shovel his take out into his mouth.

"Hey, if you were going to assume we couldn't figure out how sex works on our own, we decided to have a bit of fun with it," Pietro explained, smirking as he shoved a few fries between his lips.

"Wanda, why? You're usually not so cruel," Tony continued to wail.

"As Pietro said, if you thought us too stupid to learn, then we decided you were stupid enough to mess with for the day," Wanda replied, snickering under her breath.

Tony grimaced, leaning his head back in pure frustration as he rubbed his eyes before he reached behind him, digging through the plastic bag of supplies before tossing them a package of condoms, which Pietro caught with ease. "Please, if you actually did learn anything from the stupid lecture you two put me up to, it's that you should use condoms. Mostly because I don't want more little shits like you two running around."


End file.
